What’s not to enjoy?

So why is it that male execs in Paris on business often leave on a Friday afternoon or arrive on a Monday morning rather than stay the weekend? Ask them and they’ll respond with a lie: no time, company won’t pay for the extra night, got to be home for my kid’s soccer game.

Women will stay the extra day to go shop for shoes, to hell with the soccer game.

Truth is, guys don’t like to stay the weekend alone because they know that if they have too much free time in a plush hotel they will either be incredibly lonely or will get themselves in trouble, or both. Because for all their comfort and service and accessories, a night in a fine hotel can seem like a waste when a guy’s not getting laid, pardon my French.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was arrested, on a Saturday. Duh!

Given the risks of self-flagellating loneliness, last-night-in-town desperation and the belief (his own and others’) that a sojourn in a plush hotel makes a man more attractive, it’s only natural to stumble upon a hot hotel employee fantasy when traveling alone.

(No one has receptionist fantasies in such hotels; receptionists are bill-pay people, not fantasy material, unlikely to be tipped or winked at or groped.)

Those of us who review luxury hotels know how important it is to test 2 a.m. room service by saying that your mini-bar doesn’t have the right kind of Champagne or that the TV doesn’t seem to be working, and then to open the door in a loosely tied bathrobe. Or is it just me?

Kidding!

Employees in luxury hotels are trained to be obligingly discrete and to let you know with an eloquent nod and a slight smile that you’ve come to the right place and that you belong there by virtue of your inner beauty. Hotel employees in return have their own rich client fantasies

A solitary traveler is therefore prone to believe that they like him, they really like him, and that each employee’s smile-and-nod is a secret message letting him know that he’s been recognized him for his true worth and that he can ask that employee for most personal and discreet attention.

They all start to look like geisha girls and call boys after a while.

It’s not always easy for a guy to distinguish between the lap of luxury and the lap-dance of luxury. But most of us manage.

© 2011, Gary Lee Kraut

Theatrical endnote: The DSK-inspired debate about macho Frenchmen or men of power often ignores the fact that high luxury hotels can be fertile ground for high-end prostitution.

I’ve little interest in the debate itself, to tell the truth, but imagining scenarious in the DSK-case has inspired me to outline a French farce of that kind that has a long run in Paris theaters:

A man alone in a luxury suite calls his familiar prostitution agency and asks for them to satisfy his fantasy of sex with a black chambermaid. (French farces tend not to be concerned about an appearance of racism so “black” would be an essential part of his request.) The agency says that they have just the girl for him, she’ll be over in 30 minutes, and they’ll have no problem getting her up to his room. Then, while the man is waiting (note to director: it’s funnier if he’s in his bathrobe) and the hired girl is still in a taxi putting on her chambermaid costume, a real black chambermaid with her own quirks and secrets enters the room. The man assumes that she’s the hired prostitute, playing her role by pretending to be shocked by his advances, and…

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CHECK-IN/CHECK-OUT
Official check-in time is generally 2 or 3pm. If you anticipate arriving at the hotel before check-in time, let the hotel know in advance so that its staff can try to have the room ready even if they hotel will rarely promise (or hold a promise) that your room will be ready when you arrive. “We’ll do our best but…” is the standard response. Not to worry. Just leave your baggage at the hotel, enjoy a bit of a walk in your new neighborhood, and stop into a café. There’s no better introduction to Paris or any other town in France anyway. By the time you’re ready to return to the hotel your room ought to be ready.

Reservations are typically held until 6pm, so if you plan to be arriving after that time, be sure to notify the hotel in advance.

BREAKFAST
There are two types of hotel breakfasts in France: continental and buffet.

A continental breakfast typically consists of a hot drink (tea, coffee, hot chocolate), juice, one or more breakfast pastries (croissant, pain au chocolat, pain aux raisins), bread, butter and jam, and possibly yogurt. The quality of this will naturally echo the quality of the hotel.

A buffet breakfast, also sometimes called an American breakfast, will be more elaborate. There you’ll additionally find hot and cold cereals, eggs, bacon, cold meats, and more or less fresh fruit. Again, quality will vary.

Some hotels offer both types of breakfast, with the cost of the buffet option being up double that of the continental.

All 3-, 4-, and 5-star hotels offer the possibility of breakfast in the room. In 3-star hotels that generally means the continental breakfast. In 4-star hotels the breakfast served in the room usually offers more.

Price of breakfast: The hotel breakfast generally costs 5-10% of the price of a standard room. In theory, if you have not eaten breakfast at the hotel you cannot be billed for it, unless you have accepted a promotional price stating that breakfast is included. If in doubt you should inquire before or when reserving and re-verify when checking in. There’s no surer way to spoil a stay than to dispute a bill as you leave – and to (re)discover the aggravation of being confronted with the expressionless poise of the service industry in France.

Hotel breakfast vs. café/bakery breakfast: Given the hefty price of a hotel breakfast and the fact that Paris is the world’s greatest city for cafés and bakeries, the more significant choice for a traveler isn’t between continental and buffet but between breakfast at the hotel and breakfast at a café and/or bakery. Convenience may lead you to have breakfast at the hotel, however some mornings you may (actually, should) prefer venturing outside of the hotel for breakfast. You’re sure to find a cozy café in the neighborhood offering their own continental breakfast (unexceptional, perhaps, but with the atmosphere of the café rather than that of the hotel). Or you might pick up a pastry at a bakery then take it to a nearby café for your morning coffee or tea. A café may well frown upon clients entering with a pastry in hand when the café serves its own croissants (often less good, less fresh). However, eating an imported pastry discreetly (i.e. not unwrapping it on the table as though you were having a picnic) is normally tolerated.

ROOM SIZE
As a low, dense city Paris is not the place to come looking for vast rooms with a wide view, unless you opt for the deluxe rooms in a luxury hotel. Expect comfort but not necessarily elbow room. Size may vary from room to room in hotels that are in old buildings. If concerned about room size you might inquire as to surface area when reserving—the occasion to remember that 1 square meter = 10.8 square feet.

NOISE & AIR
With any visit to a major capital comes the noise of the big city. In most of the hotels we review in Paris, double-glazed windows adequately isolate the rooms from the sounds of the street. Furthermore, air conditioning is standard offering in 4* and 4*L hotels as well as many 3*s. It may work more as a ventilation system than as a cooling system, nevertheless, with the movement of air provided by the system you typically won’t need to open the window at night to let in a breeze and the accompanying noise.

Hotels located on major arteries may, however, endure a hum of traffic behind their double, sometimes triple, windows. This can be barely audible and of no bother to most sleepers. With the slight hum may also come a view, so you’ll need to consider the trade-off. Sufficient sound-proofing and the possibility of a view of the street or beyond lead us to prefer rooms facing the street. Light sleepers may nevertheless prefer a room facing the courtyard or the back since those often sheltered from street noise. In large and palatial hotels the courtyard may be a spacious square or patio that can itself be pleasant to look out over. However, in small hotels the courtyard can be so narrow that from your window you could play handball against the opposite wall. Your choice. In any case, if you have a preference for a room on the street or on the courtyard you should specify when reserving. View naturally affects price.

TAXES
In Paris a city tax of about 1-1.5 euros per night will be added to your bill unless the hotel has already indicated that it is included in the price. Many other destinations in France have a similar tax. All other taxes should be included in the price originally announced by a hotel.

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